Mia Pappas

I um I

I don't know how to start this. Mom is in the kitchen now making dinner. She purchased a turkey. Aaron is next to me, gnawing on some carrots mom gave him. He is pretty happy, laughing and gnawing on his carrot. The twins are making a lot of noise with Nelson, playing a new Wii game they got today. Every time Aaron hears them laugh, he mimics them. I'd leave him upstairs with them but I want to keep an eye on him.

Grady... everything has been about him lately, hasn't it? He moves in and I do what I can to avoid him. I make it clear that whatever our past is that it can't happen again. Or at least I think it can't. I couldn't sleep last night. I had ended up going out a couple of days ago to pick up a small gift for Grady. I thought I should have something for him. As I'm walking around, I'm thinking about Grady and thinking about the mistakes we have made together. Then I started thinking that the biggest mistake was Grady, him running off in fear instead of trusting me and trusting us. He couldn't deal with being a parent and I couldn't have respected that. We could have worked through it together and he didn't want that. He didn't trust me enough that we could have done this. I had to trust me. I had to trust that I was good enough to be a parent. Grady ran and tried to pretend it never happened. He was weak and I had to be strong.

Two weeks ago, I was weak. I wanted to forget too. I wanted those moments back in high school when I thought that I could believe in love, believe that not all guys would hurt me. I wanted to feel those moments again and I wanted to believe that he loved me, that he still does. I wanted to believe that he would suddenly change and be the man I need him to be in order for us to get over the past. I want him to stop being weak and to be strong enough to be a father to Aaron.

I'm scared to give him the chance. I'm scared to let him in and find out if he is willing to stand up. Just because he's in my house doesn't mean he has changed. Just because he's here doesn't mean anything.

This morning, even before the twins were up, he came downstairs and knocked on me door. He was still in his pjs, a pair of green sweat pants. I invited him in and he just opened up this ring box. I started at this ring and he started saying that it was a promise ring, that he promise to be there for me, that he promise that he would be there for Aaron, that he would learn to be a father for Aaron, that he wouldn't leave anymore, that he would be here for us. He said that he wouldn't push me for anything to change, that he would learn to be patient and that he would give me the time I felt that Aaron and I needed. He left the ring box on the night table and went back upstairs. I put it on when we went downstairs for presents and he smiled at me.

I don't really know what any of this means. I don't want to trust him again. If I trust him and he fails, then it's not only me that hurts. It's Aaron. Yet if I don't trust him, then maybe then I'm the one hurting Aaron. Doesn't he deserve to know his dad if that is what his father wants? If I don't let him have that chance, then I know he will hurt.

I'm not wearing the ring right now. I don't know what to do now. I want to believe him. I really would like to believe him.

I don’t know who is more fucked up: me or Grady. I avoided Grady when he moved in yesterday. I took Aaron to the mall and took him to see Santa. I got him a candy cane and he got the red and green all over his face. He was happy and laughing and I could almost forget why I was hiding at the mall. I didn’t go to Brad’s because if he is still mad at me… I don’t know what to tell him and I still don’t.

I got home right before dinner and focused on feeding Aaron. The twins asked Grady a million of questions and he seemed to handle them well. I noticed he kept looking at me but I wouldn’t look back. I just had to ignore him. Of course mom came up to me after and told me that I was being rude and that Grady was my friend after all and I should have been there that afternoon and I should be around more to help Grady adjust. I told mom and that I was looking after my first priority and making sure that Aaron would adjust to having a stranger around. Mom had the nerve to say it was the first time in a long time I was putting Aaron first.

I couldn’t wait until bedtime. Aaron went down easily and I changed into my pjs and it was nice to just to relaxed, even if I flinched every time I heard noises from upstairs. I didn’t want Grady to be coming down- which he did. I told him point blank that I didn’t want him alone with Aaron. He seemed to accept that. Actually, he said he would accept any rules I would put on things, that this was my house and my family was doing him a huge favour. He said he would do whatever he could to make things easier. He looked so… I don’t know. I just couldn’t help but think of all the times he’d come over after a fight with his dad and how many times I had wanted him to move in with us so he could have the chance at life he deserved.

Next thing I know, we are on my bed, shirtless and making out like there is no tomorrow. He traced my face with his hands and ran his fingers through my hair, kissing me and I was looking into his eyes and, fuck. I pushed him off my bed and told him to get out. I told him never come into my room again. He looked surprised but he left. I could hear him go up the stairs and into his room.

I don’t know what came over me. I don’t want to get physical with him. I don’t want to be his convenient fuck buddy. If mom or Nelson knew about what happened, they would ask him to leave and I don’t want that either. He needs this chance to get things in order. I just can’t be with him. Fuck. I know Grady. I know he’s going to screw everything up. Everything Brad told me was right and I can’t allow myself to love him anymore. I can’t allow myself to fall into bad habits. I don’t care how good it feels, it will never happen again. It simply can’t. I will need to be the strong one between the two of us. Again.

Mom was waiting in the living room for me. She was just sitting in the living room, with her arms crossed. Then she proceeded to tell me how Aaron didn't want to go bed without his mommy and he spent an hour crying for me and she thought I was just going to study. She told me there was no reason for me to study until midnight, especially since the library closed at eleven. She also said she didn't know that the library offered motorcycle rides home. Then she said that I was a mother now and blah blah blah. I know I'm a mother and I need to be responsible but I lost track of time, again.

I can't believe I'm writing about my mother when Grady and I... well, I don't know what we are. We had sex and then he just held me in his arms. Neither of us talked about what it meant or what was next or if he was even going to stay in Stoneybrook or be a father. I know I should care. I always care but right now, I don't. I'm just really happy right now. Mom can't ruin this and I'm not going to focus on expectations. I'm sure tomorrow I'll feel different but right now, I just want to focus on the positive.

I have to confess something. I'm worried about Grady. He seemed to angry in his responses to Cokie. I know why he was angry. What she did was a bitchy thing and maybe she had all right to do it. I'm not going to get in the middle of that but he was just so angry and then his talk about being found dead?

Things have been so hard for him lately. First his stuff with his dad in June, then Jack leaving him, then whatever crap he pulled with us and now him and Cokie? He acts like he is strong and tough but I know he isn't as strong as he says. I don't think he's handling things well.

A part of me wants to go over to visit him and see how's he doing. Another part doesn't want to care. Why is it so hard for me to let go of Grady? He has hurt me time and time again and I still want to go to his rescue. I would love to say it's because he's the father of my child, but I know it has nothing to do with that. I know it's because I still care for him and I don't want him to get hurt.

I can just imagine what Brad would say if I told him all this. Maybe instead of going to Grady myself, I should ask Marty to. He is still friends with Grady, maybe he can keep an eye out for him or something.

I don't really know what to do or what I should be thinking. Should I even care? Or am I just being a fool again?

I can't sleep. It's the middle of the night and I'm staring at my ceiling, reliving that stupid argument with Grady. I have been trying to forgot it- and him- all week and I can't. I look at Aaron and I start thinking about it. I start thinking about how unfair it is that Aaron has such a horrible father. He deserves a father who cares for him and wants him. He doesn't deserve a father who says over and over again that he doesn't want to be involved, that he doesn't want his own son.

Hell, Aaron deserves a better mother too. I know I keep making stupid mistakes. I know I'm not the best role model for him. I'm trying. I am giving up things I like doing to be there for Aaron. I'm not relying on other people to do my job. I'm his mother. I take care of him. I feed him. I make sure he's changed, cleaned and stimulated. I'm there for him.

I've been having this argument in my head all week. Why did I even bother with Grady? Why did I let him try again? Why did I waste so much time, talking to him when he's off with another girl? He doesn't love me. He doesn't want him. I'm just convenient for him.

I need to remember that. I'm just convenient for him. As long as I remember that, I'll never make the Grady mistake again.

Grady and I have been talking almost every day. I'm not sure how I feel about it. He'll call and I'll lock myself in my room then we'll talk for an hour or more. It almost feels like how things were before things got all messed up. At first we were just talking about Jack then about his father. Now we are talking about school, our friends, our lives and he even asks about Aaron. He hasn't asked about coming over yet but I guess he's making baby steps.

I find that I need to keep reminding myself that we aren't back in junior year. I can't call him and tell him to come over. He won't throw stones against my window and he won't climb up for a quick make out session. Sometimes I find myself about to call him and I'll hear Aaron cry or make a noise and it's like reality hits me. I got pregnant and he just left me. He left me to deal with this on my own. He reminded me why guys can't be trusted, why no one can be trusted. Then I vow to myself that I will never answer his phone calls again, that I'm done with him. Grady will call a few hours later and I'm talking to him again.

I haven't told Brad what has been going on. I don't even really know how to explain it. I don't know what Grady and I are doing, if we are friends or not or if I'm just helping him through a rough patch. I know I need to stop thinking about and start distancing myself from Grady again. He still has a lot to do before he becomes the guy I need him to be. I think we both have a lot to do before we can even consider being together again. Not that I am. I'm not.

Grady came over yesterday. He wanted some time with Aaron and I don't know what I expected. I guess I'm still thinking of him as the Grady that I used to know. The one who I loved really cared about and trusted. I remember all the times we would just be together and there was just us being and I really thought I started to understand what life was about.

Then I remember how he acted when I told him that I was pregnant. I remember how I would see him in the halls at school and he would go in the opposite direction. I remember how he acted like I didn't exist while our child grew inside me.

Then he comes over and tries to that Grady again. The good Grady but he comes and it's like he had no idea. I don't know who he is anymore. I don't even think I want to know. It's like he has no idea how to act around me. He says he wants to know Aaron but then he just sits there and doesn't even try to interact with him. I don't know what Grady wants.

When I am with him, I just remember how things were and how things are, and I wish so much that I never met him. Guys can't be trusted. I should know that. My father proved that to me. My brother proved that to me. I am counting the days until Nelson does. Why did I expect Grady to be any different? Why do I still expect him to be different? He's not.

He's not. I think the next time he wants to see Aaron, I'm either going to have to say no and get him to leave us alone forever or he'll have to see Aaron and mom will supervise or something. I can't be around him anymore. I just can't.

Dear Aaron,

This is my first letter to you. I guess when you are older, you may want to read these. You may want to know your mom since your dad is a deadbeat loser who you don't deserve. or at least know what she was like when you were young. Maybe when you read these, you'll be a teenager and you'll think that I don't understand. I don't know. Sometimes I still can't believe I am a mother. I never thought that it would happen to me. I guess most teen moms don't plan it.

Aaron, I want to be the good role model in your life. I know your grandmother will tell you that I screwed up a lot as a teenager. I know she thinks your Uncle Brad is not a good influence on your life. I'm sure your paternal grandparents wish better parents for their grandson. Maybe, in another life, you would have a better mother, one who was prepared to have you but, Aaron Bradley, my little Peanut, I will the best mom I can be for you.

I got my acceptance letter today. I'm going to Stoneybrook University in September. Mom thinks my major is a joke- English, and maybe it will be but it's a degree and that's something I didn't think I would go for a couple of months ago. I don't know what sort of career I'll get but it's a step in the right direction and that step is for you, Aaron.

Love,

Mia

( Relationship Page )

Because we belong together now
Forever united here somehow
Yeah you got a piece of me
And honestly
My life would suck without you
( My life would suck without you )